I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately. School is out, and with it comes full time parenthood and the new found realization that my baby – the youngest – goes to school starting August 2nd. Now, don’t get me wrong…I love being a parent, but when you have two special needs children its really hard to keep up the work needed to keep them on par with their peers during the summer vacation. I’ve never been particularly fond of summer break – except as a child – because I’ve witnessed over the years how much children forget during that long break. Spell this, Jakobe. Spell that. What is 2+14? 2×2? Its exhausting, but something I signed up for when I decided to have children.
As for little Esmae going to kindergarten…part of me is dying inside. It has been just the two of us for so long during the day. Early morning cuddles. Tea parties. Movie binging. What on Earth am I going to do without her? I’ll admit it. For a brief moment I thought to myself “Maybe I should have another baby!” It didn’t take long before reality slapped me in the face and I realized that I not only didn’t want to start all over, but I also have my hands full with the children I have AND I’m finally going to gain a little bit of freedom for myself. Do I want to go take pictures at noon just for giggles? Sure. Why? Because I’ll be able to.
Which brings me to my other momentary loss of sanity. I almost sold my camera. *gasp* It isn’t because I wanted to, well…at the moment I partially did…but because the camera is a resource and when you’re short on resources at any given time it becomes tempting to throw the one thing that brings you complete happiness away. It didn’t help matters that the weather has been wildly unpredictable and it has lead to some health problems I wasn’t expecting. After years of having my asthma controlled I have once again been plagued by breathing issues. Nevertheless, I didn’t sell my camera and I had a nice photo shoot today. It all works out in the end, I suppose.
I can’t help but wonder what I would have done had I actually sold my camera. I had a buyer lined up, but when it came time to actually sell it I bawled like a little baby and couldn’t do it. So much of my sanity is engrained in photography. I don’t make a living doing it, though I wish I did, but when I’m behind that lens its like I feel absolute freedom. There is no PTSD. There is no anxiety. There is nothing but absolute calm. For this reason, and this reason alone, I have thought about returning to studio photography…but I would be so miserable. Scheduling photo sessions every fifteen minutes like I’m running some sort of people mill. The constant exhaustion and panic attacks. No, I couldn’t do it again. My psychiatrist agrees…but I think about it sometimes. At least I would make a decent living doing what I love. Instead I schedule photo shoots around my symptoms. If I make money, that’s great. If I don’t then I’m no worse off than I was before.
Sometimes I think about what dad would say about my photography if he was alive today. He never got to see me get into photography as he was. He used to think we were so different from each other, but as it turns out…we couldn’t have been more alike.