Life shouldn’t be printed on dollar bills. – Clifford Odets

I’m of the firm belief that there are two types of people in life: those who like to spend money, and those that don’t. I fall somewhere in the middle.

Money is a hard subject for me. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life without it. We weren’t necessarily poor growing up, but we weren’t rich either. Money was tight, but that was largely due to my dads inadequacies for handling such affairs compounded by a hoarding and spending disorder. I can’t say that I ever really went without, but I did spend the better part of my childhood making sure that my dads needs were met whether that be balancing the checkbook or cleaning up one of his many hoards.

My habits as a child have carried into adulthood. I’m frugal. Very frugal.

My problem with money consists of taking care of my own wants and needs. While I have no problem spending hundreds of dollars to take care of the kids I have a problem spending even the slightest bit of twenty-dollars on myself. No, seriously. I wish I were kidding.

Shopping for myself is a very difficult process. While its easier for me to buy something that’s say $6.99 at Goodwill used…it is a much more difficult process to spend $14.99 for the same exact thing brand new at Walmart. Often times, if you see me, I’ll be having this whole internal monologue in my head – in the middle of the store – about where that extra money could be spent, how I don’t really need what I have selected, or how the kids could use x, y, z more than I could use whatever it is I have put into the cart for myself. The ONLY exception to this rule is personal hygiene items. This is one one area I will never sacrifice for myself. Ever.

Sadly, this habit pours into my love of photography.

Photography is my passion. My therapy. The one thing in this world that keeps me sane. When I’m behind that lens I feel no anxiety. I know I’ll never be able to return to photography full time as eventually it would become too stressful for me…but as I do it now it is a release. However, I want to branch out. I eventually want to start photographing newborns again, but like everything in this world that takes money. Infant posers, body wraps, lighting, props. Its all so very expensive. How am I ever going to get to that point if I can’t even spend $14.99 on myself at Walmart?

 

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