Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.

I’m starting to doubt my abilities to raise a child on the spectrum with no impulse control as I deal with my PTSD.

My little boy is growing up. His eighth birthday is next month, and as each day passes he is growing. Since the beginning of the school year he has shot up at least an inch, and despite his young age I worry that the hormones have already begun to flow.

I knew this day would happen, but I didn’t know it would be so difficult.

Its not that he is getting hair in places where the sun doesn’t shine…its in the other things. The sudden obsession with his penis and how when I ask him about it he tells me it feels good. Or the curiosity he has with wanting to see other children’s genitals. It could be the fact that last week at school he rubbed his penis on his teachers foot or the fact that today I received a call telling me that he put his head on his teachers chest and shook his head.

It’s the other things that has me upset.  It’s the other things that has my anxiety on edge. The fact that no matter how many times I talk to him about good touch or bad touch or boundaries and privacy he just doesn’t get it. It’s the other things that have me unable to cope; unable to figure out what to do. I am so ill prepared for this.

I’ve tried so hard to give him love and support. I know he’s different. He knows he’s different, but I’ve taught him to try and fight through his disabilities to see past them. Different isn’t less. Different isn’t bad. But this? Given my background of sexual trauma I’m finding myself struggling to cope with the situation.

Furthermore, I worry about him.

I know this shouldn’t be about me. It’s about him and what he is going through, but quite frankly this is rough. I can barely talk about my son touching his teachers breast without tears coming to my eyes. I know how it feels to be touched when it isn’t wanted. The school gave him an in school suspension for his behavior, and I’m okay with that. After all…he hates school. An actual suspension would give him reason to do it again and again.

How can I help him navigate this next chapter of his life? It’s only going to get worse from here as puberty kicks in. His dad started puberty around nine or ten. I started at nine. What hope does this child have of surviving one of the most difficult times in life if he cannot seem to grasp the concept of impulse control?

 

 

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